Bundelkhand is the dacoit capital of India. I stick out like a sore thumb when I go there - a Brit accented guy telling wholesalers to buy more Wheel washing powder. But work has taken me to strange places and it was the reason I came back to India - to get out of the ivory towers and visit the darkest interiors. Working in HLL sales has been everything I expected and more.

Bhind is so trigger happy that every road has a gun shop (the main road has several). The local competitor is.... 'Pistol soap' and 'Pistol detergent bar'. I laughed out aloud. People get murdered, kidnapped, raped on a daily basis in this region.

We have this crooked ex distributor (sacked) in the nearby town of Morena who has been threatening to kill my subordinates for quite a while if they don't pay him Rs 20 Lakhs (the company actually owed only around Rs 5 Lakhs but he thought that he could extort more through threats). I had told my TSIs that they shouldn't work in that town in case anything happened to them. Finally when he started calling up their wives and threatening them I lost my wig and decided to pay him a surprise visit (unarmed and alone with my two TSIs - much to their shock and horror). When I met him he started spouting abuses and told me he would kill me and beat me up, etc, etc. He said he wouldn't let me work the market and that he was going to call all his men. I told him that I wanted him to call every one of his men so I could see his so called gang myself (my TSIs nearly fainted - they thought I'd gone mad). As I suspected, when they came they were a bunch of losers too. Finally after about half an hour I got fed up of the threats and shouting so I took out my mobile phone and recorded him without him knowing (By this time he had stopped threatening me and was saying that he would beat up my subordinates). Then I played back the recording for him and told him I was going to appoint another distributor (a guy that even he was scared of) and that I was going to the police with the evidence. Finally he freaked out and apologised. Later he started harassing my guys again (rounded them up with guns once forcing me to send in a van into the town to pick them up from the godown they had to hide in). I suspended TSI visits again for a while before I went there myself personally and worked the market to check the safety. Things are getting back to normal now over there.

My parents and wife were a little discomfited by the fact that I was dealing with these sort of people (a few days earlier a Lucknow IIM grad had been murdered for earning the wrath of some crook whose corruption he took on himself to expose). But I took a chance that this guy was more bark than bite and though he waved guns in your face he wouldn't actually pull the trigger. It's just one of the things that has happened in my life that just wouldn't have happened if I'd stayed on in London as an Investment Banker or Consultant. What I am pleasantly surprised about is how cool I stayed throughout the meeting even though I was pissed off as hell at the fact that he was threatening women and trying to pull this scam on our company. I wasn't scared, even when his guys surrounded us and were mouthing obscenities and vowing to break our bones, etc. I knew exactly what to say that would scare him off. A year ago I would have had absolutely no idea how to handle a situation like this (I had been a little scared to fight back in London once when I was mugged by four guys in a dark alley after they knocked out one of my teeth) so I can see that my time in Sales has really toughened me up a lot. That was exactly the output I wanted when I decided to go into the heartlands of India to peddle wares instead of doing multibillion deals in the City.

I can't wait to see where life takes me next.

Rationally exuberant laughs in the face of danger
Click on the play button twice to hear this threat




Goonda talk
Incomprehensible gibberish
Goonda: Aap meri complaint ki baaton ko *gibberish*
G translation: You will listen to my complaints *gibberish*

Rationally exuberant: Main aapko bata raho hoon na. Aapko paanch lakh se nahi milne vaala hai
RE translation :I'm telling you. You will not get more than 5 Lakh Rupees

Goonda: Are paise koi company ka baap ka banaya hua kya? Ya TSI ka baap ka banaya hua? Paise to dena padega. Main TSI ko ghera doonga. IG. Aap market nahi kar paoge. *gibberish*
G translation: Is my money the property of your company? Or does it belong to the TSIs father? You will have to give me the money. I will surround your TSIs. You will not be able to work the market. *gibberish*

Rationally exuberant: Main is liye aaya hoon kyonki aap mere TSIs ko dhamki de rahe hain
RE translation: I have come here because you have been threatening my TSIs

Goonda: Haan dhamki kar raha hoo aur maara mari bhi karoonga
G translation: Yes I have been threatening them and I will beat them up.

Rationally exuberant: Aap mere TSIs ko marenge?
RE translation: You will beat up my TSIs?

Goonda: Bilkul marenge
G translation: I will definitely beat up your TSIs

Rationally exuberant: Aapko phikar nahi hai ki aap jail ja sakte hain?
RE translation: The fact that you'll go to jail doesn't bother you?

Goonda: Hum murder bhi karadenge
G translation: I can even get them murdered

Rationally exuberant: Aap unka murder karenge?
RE translation: You will murder them?

Goonda: Bilkul murder karenge. Khoon karenge
G translation: I will definitely murder them. I will spill their blood.

Rationally exuberant: Aap yeh jaante hain ki...
RE translation: You are aware that...

Goonda: (loudly shouts something incomprehensible)

Rationally exuberant: Iske vajah se main aapko jail me daal sakta hoon
RE translation: Because of this I will be able to put you in jail

Goonda: IG (loudly shouts something incomprehensible again)

Rationally exuberant: Theek hai
RE translation: All right. We'll see.

This was where I told him that I had recorded the conversation and that he'd better sort himself out.